dreams that haunt me and taunt me

I wrote this a week ago when I couldn't sleep and I was feeling down. But I was too afraid to post it for fear of everyones reaction. Regardless, I think it needs to be said so here it is:

"When you try to move on to someone else when a relationship is over you still have that feeling about someone that you can't really get rid of."


I finally realized that I'm not going to be okay, and relationship-ready, for a very long time. I can try and distract myself by dating around and having fun, but I won't be the same loving girl, ready to open up for a while. Knowing that sucks just as much as the feeling itself.

I still cry sometimes at night, the pain is still there. Sometimes it goes away for a long time, but it always seems to catch up with me when I least expect it. I'm not going to be okay for a while, and I've accepted that. I guess that's the first step.
So much has changed in the last 85 days. My emotions have been like a long roller coaster ride. Some weeks I'm at the top of an incline, ready for the rush of the downfall and the wind in my hair. Some days are like the dark tunnels, blind and scary. And then some days are like the end of the ride, suddenly sad and lonely.

I forgot what being single feels like and how much (most) guys suck. I just keep seeing my friends get played over and over and I fear that I won't be able to find someone worth my love again. Maybe that's looking too ahead but I don't think I can handle another heartbreak.

"Too afraid to go inside

for the pain of one more loveless night

for the loneliness will stay with me

and hold me till I fall asleep"

[The Lonely by Christina Perri]

I'm so glad that you're happy again and doing your own thing. It hurts to hear that (I know, I did the same thing to you not long ago- now I understand) but it's all I could ask for.

the newest creation inspired by Adele