Christmas for a College Student

I've been counting down the days until I take that journey home to be where my heart lies.

with my family.

My mom asked me the other day "what do you want for Christmas?" and the only thing I thought was, "to be home and surrounded by the people I love the most."


So, what do I want for Christmas?
I want to watch The Christmas Card with my dad on the couch.
I want to bake all day with my mom while listening to Christmastime by Michael W. Smith.
I want to build castles with Ella and see Luke's smile light up when I make a funny face.
I want to spend every night cuddled up with my mom on the couch watching Christmas movies.
I want to wrap everyone's gifts for them while singing along to A Muppet's Christmas Carol.
I want to bake cupcakes with Nicole and laugh over a glass of wine.
I want to hold a candle at church on Christmas Eve and sing until my heart's content.
I want to smell that familiar, indescribable scent of home.
I want to read 10 books because I have nothing better to do.
I want to take trips to Starbucks at midnight with my favorite friends.
I want to stay up all night talking and planning with my best friend.
I want to read by the fire, drinking the best hot chocolate in town
I want to be home.

I don't think I've ever been more ready for a semester to be over.

The Art of Assisting Discovery

"You see, it's not enough to leave school and just desire to succeed in this cold, cruel world because then you simply become a part of it. You must also have the desire to change it."

-Mr. Feeny, Boy Meets World

If one more person asks me "Why would you want to be a teacher"in that ridiculing tone I might just scream. I hope this answers your question;

My first response to this question is always "because it matters!" but what I really mean is "do you really not understand how important teachers are to the world?!". Maybe most people don't have the strength or patience to teach high school Chemistry but it's something that I'm very passionate about. 

1. There's a great need for math and science teachers in the state of Texas 

2. There's an even greater demand for good teachers. Not tenured ones who are just doing the job to get paid. Not gym coaches forced to teach math. Teachers who care whether you learn the material or not. 

3. You would be nowhere without the teachers in your life. I wouldn't be a Chemistry major if I didn't have an amazing Chemistry teacher in high school. Other than family, I believe teachers have the most influence in our lives. 

Since I was 6-years-old I knew I wanted to be a teacher. I've always known where I'd end up. For a while I let everyone discourage me from teaching, with arguments of low pay and a dysfunctional system. But I realized that money will never make me happier than doing what I love, and I can manage on whatever God gives me. I don't have to be making millions, I just want to touch lives. 

I want my class to be the one that students look forward to going to each day. I want to make the learning environment comfortable in order to maximize the absorption of material. I want to inspire students who wouldn't normally have an affinity towards math/science. I want them to actually want to learn instead of just doing everything possible 'to get that A.' 

So the next time you look down on me for choosing to be a teacher instead of working for a big company, just know that you wouldn't be anywhere without someone like me.

“Teaching is not a lost art, but the regard for it is a lost tradition.” 

Jacques Barzun 

Today, Today is Awesome

Today is a good day.

Today, you rock.

Give today a chance. Maybe you overslept, didn't finish your homework, are having a horrid hair day and are sick. But don't hold that against today, you haven't given him a chance yet. He'll bring you a shining moment in lab or cross your path with a chivalrous fellow. Next thing you know you'll be skipping to your car and singing along with Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros. 

Maybe you'll bring sunshine to someone else's day because today shined on you. 

Remember that the next time you wake up on the wrong side of the bed.

Fabulously Where We Are

"Lets just be fabulously where we are and who we are. You be you and I'll be me, today and today and today, and let's trust the future to tomorrow. Let the stars keep track of us. Let us ride our own orbits and trust that they will meet. May our reunion be not a finding but a sweet collision of destinies"
Love, Stargirl by Jerry Spinelli


I'm finished forcing and yearning. Now I'm exploring and observing.
If it is meant to be, God will make it happen.
If not, no amount of desire will change that.

I have faith He will lead me in my direction.

After the Storm

"And there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears.

And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.

Get over your hill and see what you find there,

With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair."

Thank you, Lord.

I do not deserve your mercy, nor your grace. 

I am so blessed. 

Be strong

(it's absolutely possible)

Have faith

(it will all work out)

Love always

(so you can be loved in return)

I leave for Lutheran Valley Ranch, Colorado in a mere 9 hours. I cannot express the joy I have welling up in my heart paired with excitement for being in this peaceful place for a week. I feel so connected with nature and with God while I'm there, unattached to social media and any sort of technology. My mind has space to wonder, to bounce off the millions of stars and explore through the galaxy. I feel I'm at my best there, with no distractions and material worries. That, that is the true Rachel. There you will see her blossom. 

Bring it on Cedar Mountain, I haven't conquered you in a few years. 

    

DIY Goodness: Day 1

A little break from the norm, a post about the projects Josh and I have started!


My brother and I are moving into a new duplex in August and we've accumulated a lot of stuff to fix up. Today we finally decided to tackle the big projects. My parents gave us an old dining table set of theirs so we decided to stain the table top and repaint all the chairs. The chairs were originally two-toned and they've been scratched up through the years so it was needed anyway. Josh and I went with Almond Cream for the chair color and a dark brown stain for the table top (which of course I can't remember the name of). We also found a beautiful old coffee table that had the top tiles broken out of at Goodwill to revamp for our living room.

Everything before we started working today. Josh had already sanded the table top. 

This coffee table was originally $25 but the tile had been broken out so they let us have it for $10. This is by far my favorite piece for the living room, now. 

We originally planned to paint this to match the chairs but once Josh started sanding it we realized how amazing it looked just natural. Neither of us have the heart to paint over this- even if it doesn't match as well.

The chairs before. I've never really liked them so I was super excited to paint over this.

The chairs after. We used liquid sand before we painted them so that we didn't have to go through the tedious task of hand sanding them. They weren't easy to paint but look so much better now.

My dad coached us on how to stain wood. We practiced with the back of the table to ensure we didn't mess up the top.

The table after one coat of stain. It absorbed it quickly!

After the second coat of stain. We thought it was dark enough to contrast the chairs with only two coats.

The final products!!!

Josh and I still have a lot to do but we got a huge chunk out of the way today! All of this only took about 5 hours with the two of us. Tomorrow I'm going to seal the table top and make shelves out of old shipping pallets! Needless to say we're going to have a pretty eclectic, bad ass place this year. 

I'm so excited!

Sunny Summer Sunday

"I'm laying in the grass in the front lawn of my best friend's house on a sunny Sunday when I suddenly feel so at peace. The sound of life echoes in my ears through joyous birdsongs and the quiet splashes of water. The sky is beautiful by this perspective, through the scattered rays under an old tree. 

I've been waiting for a day like this, a day that finally feels like summer is in full swing, a day unable to be captured by anything but the mind. 

In these moments I find myself itching for a thought-provoking conversation. I need to flex my brain and hear my thoughts run down the pavement."

This is all I had time to write on Sunday when I felt so inspired. It's not great but it perfectly conveys the warmth I felt.

Six short months later and I'm finally fully enjoying laying in the grass on a lazy Sunday. I can longboard down the street without a single regret-filled thought running through my head. In one of my earlier entries I commented on the "Joy of Living" but I truly didn't understand it. I had just gotten a glimpse of the light from the shadows of darkness. Now that light has engulfed me and I'm just basking in the warmth.

Live for those little glints of light. Eventually you'll shed the cloak of darkness and life will be as it seems again, I promise. It's okay to feel lonely. It's okay to regret. It's okay to cry. It's okay to be angry. It's okay to feel something.

Just keep faith and have hope.

You'll be smiling again before you know it.

Bittersweet

God has really opened my eyes in the past few months.
I've never learned so much about myself and the beautiful life I am blessed with

I'm not afraid to admit I do not like the person I've become over the last year
I'm slowly flushing that away
It's about time to bring back Rachel. She's been hiding under this ugly mask I've been wearing, slowly sinking away from the surface. This is not who I wanted to become, this is not who I dreamed of becoming. I feel like Spiderman in the third movie: overcome by this black suit that feels so good but in turn is so self destructive.

I can say I've learned so much; the old Rachel had never loved, lost, or felt real pain. Only through these can we really learn a lesson told over and over. There's nothing more effective than bleeding by your own sword. It's like you have to rip your own heart out yourself to understand the pain you can inflict on another.
I'm slowly learning.

On the other hand, God has opened my eyes to the beauty of life again. I don't think any of us really see the amazing world we live in. There's nothing like the sound of a baby giggling to show you how simply beautiful life is.

Tuesday, December 28th, 2010 was one of the most overwhelmingly joyous days I've ever experienced: the day my baby nephew was born (Ella's birth was just as special but Luke's just came at a different point in my life). A wave of emotion hit me when I entered the hospital room that night. Everyone had so much love in their eyes, I had never seen such happiness. All of which was centered around the life I held in my arms, fresh and new for the world.
There's nothing more real than that.


Don't focus on the bad in your life
God has created so much good.

For a Smart Girl

"For a smart girl you're pretty good at stupid."
 -Georgia Rule


Dear smart girl,


Do not let yourself fall from the morals you once believed in. Love is still possible but you won't find it in anyone's bed. Love begins in coffee shops, parks, class, bakeries, restaurants, movie theaters, fields, churches, anywhere you can imagine. But you wont find it by giving yourself away. You deserve so much more that that; you deserve someone to care for you, cherish you, believe in you, and love you. You deserve someone who tells you that you are beautiful and makes you feel so. You deserve someone who truly admires you and would do anything for you. Believe that finding him is still possible. It may not seem so right now but you must have faith that God will bring him to you. You deserve nothing less.
Maybe you feel like you need hookups to feel wanted or alive but how does it really make you feel afterward? Used and alone. It's just like alcohol, you feel great when you're drunk but the next morning is miserable. And what are the benefits of excessively drinking alcohol? Memory loss, bad decisions, regret, and a bad liver.
Have fun, just be careful. You are so beautiful, do not lose sight of that.


Sincerely,
also very good at stupid






"Don't you dare, for one more second, surround yourself with people who are not aware of the greatness that you are."
Jo Blackwell-Preston

Why Don't We Just Dance

The thoughts of summer three days away has me bouncing off the walls and pushing through the stress of finals. I've been listening to summer-y country music all day and I can't help but want to dance. Three more days, two more finals, and then I'll be free to enjoy the sun, pool, and friends.

I was listening to Why Don't We Just Dance by Josh Turner earlier and I couldn't help but think that everyone is all too serious. We're in college, this is our last hurrah of fun before the realities of the real world hit. Yes, it requires some sort of determination and focus but there's no need to let it affect your mood so much you can't have fun. It's almost summer time. Even if you have summer school, or an internship, or a job to do this summer, ENJOY IT. Laugh, dance, joke, smile, play, flirt, drink, go crazy.

All too often we rely on another person to give us happiness. Yes they can add to your own happiness but you won't be truly happy with someone until you can be happy alone doing your own thing first. You can't be loved until you love yourself, it's true. Enjoy yourself, you don't have to find someone to spend the rest of your life with right now. Don't make it a goal- just let it happen.

Be Bold.
Flirt with that guy/girl you've had your eye on all semester.
Sing karaoke at a bar.
Complement a stranger.
Do something daring and don't regret it.
Walk with your head high.
Learn how to breakdance.
Jump in puddles on a rainy day.
Ignore what people say about you.
Dance with a stranger.
Take a spontaneous roadtrip.
Wear that bikini you've been afraid to put on all semester with pride.
Be you.

It's amazing how much happier you'll be.

dreams that haunt me and taunt me

I wrote this a week ago when I couldn't sleep and I was feeling down. But I was too afraid to post it for fear of everyones reaction. Regardless, I think it needs to be said so here it is:

"When you try to move on to someone else when a relationship is over you still have that feeling about someone that you can't really get rid of."


I finally realized that I'm not going to be okay, and relationship-ready, for a very long time. I can try and distract myself by dating around and having fun, but I won't be the same loving girl, ready to open up for a while. Knowing that sucks just as much as the feeling itself.

I still cry sometimes at night, the pain is still there. Sometimes it goes away for a long time, but it always seems to catch up with me when I least expect it. I'm not going to be okay for a while, and I've accepted that. I guess that's the first step.
So much has changed in the last 85 days. My emotions have been like a long roller coaster ride. Some weeks I'm at the top of an incline, ready for the rush of the downfall and the wind in my hair. Some days are like the dark tunnels, blind and scary. And then some days are like the end of the ride, suddenly sad and lonely.

I forgot what being single feels like and how much (most) guys suck. I just keep seeing my friends get played over and over and I fear that I won't be able to find someone worth my love again. Maybe that's looking too ahead but I don't think I can handle another heartbreak.

"Too afraid to go inside

for the pain of one more loveless night

for the loneliness will stay with me

and hold me till I fall asleep"

[The Lonely by Christina Perri]

I'm so glad that you're happy again and doing your own thing. It hurts to hear that (I know, I did the same thing to you not long ago- now I understand) but it's all I could ask for.

the newest creation inspired by Adele

Elbows and Exposed Knees

(This blog post is dedicated to all the random thoughts bouncing around in my head. There is no order to the madness.)

I have this strange desire to create

to paint

or bake

or sew

or photograph

just to make something with my hands, to let my creative side escape

How have I never known this side of me existed? I never painted before this year and I'm actually quite proud of a few of my creations. The art side of my brain is absolutely taking over, and all the math is getting overshadowed. I'll always have that strange love for math and chemistry though, it's just who I am. 

I'm so excited for the freedom of summer. 

I've realized that all my blog posts are happy. It's foolish of me to only post uplifting things when some days just aren't that way. This blog is supposed to be an honest reflection of me. But I just think I write all the hopeful things so that I can be hopeful myself, and to not fall into the endless pit of sadness and loneliness. I listen to the Foo Fighters and reflect when I'm feeling down. I have a wonderful life no matter how much it seems to suck sometimes. I have an amazing group of friends who care about me and an even more amazing family who loves me to no end. 

It's all about perspective.

Every Jason Mraz song reminds me of you (yes, you), and I can't help but smile.

Thank you for helping me smile. 

I hope you know that you have

Thank you for reading this. It's so nice to know that someone is listening.

Smile

To no one,


Life is a roller coaster, a jump rope. There will be highs and lows, ups and downs, tears and laughter, heartbreaks and love, sadness and joy, stumbles and growth. Do not get discouraged. Even if it seems that the world has it out for you and everything is raining on your parade, the sunshine is just right around the corner. Do not give up hope. I believe in you, no matter who you are. 
I know that's the hardest thing to do when the darkness falls on you, but you must not let it drag you down. You are an amazing person God created and he will pull you through. 


I will always believe in you,
love,
Me


"Light up your face with gladness, 
Hide every trace of sadness. 
Although a tear may be ever so near 
That's the time you must keep on trying 
Smile, what's the use of crying. 
You'll find that life is still worthwhile 
If you just smile."

You Gotta Swim

"I swim for brighter days despite the absence of sun"

When I feel like the world is pulling me underwater and nothing goes right, I remind myself that it won't always be this bad, it will get better. Life is made up of a series of events, and how we handle these events makes us who we are. Every fall, every stumble, every tear, every heartache makes us stronger. It's funny how after all the clouds have gone, we realize that it wasn't so bad. But never during the storm can we appreciate the beauty of the thunder.

I've been thinking about starting another blog to document the process of getting through a breakup after a long-term relationship. My hope is that others who are going through the same thing can read it and find strength to keep their head above the water and learn from the mistakes I've made. Through all of this, I wished I had someone who went through the same thing to talk to and confide in. But not having that made me learn so much, and grow as a person.

My current feeling is like rain in the sunshine. There's nothing more beautiful than an afternoon rain in the summer when the sun is still shining; it makes the world seem so much brighter. My soul is so filled with Hope right now for reasons unknown to me. It just hit me all of a sudden, like a fresh breeze on a spring morning. There are so many things raining on me right now but all I see is the sunshine.

I feel refreshed

song suggestion of the day which inspired the painting I did above: Swim by Jack's Mannequin

From Prom Dresses to Engagement Rings

I went to Dallas for the first half of my Spring Break to visit Samantha, my best friend through 9 years of school, and to celebrate her new engagement. It's so weird that the person I basically grew up with is now moving into this whole new stage of life. I remember when we used to listen to Jimmy Eat World and pretend we were walking down a runway in her room. Now I'm shopping with her at David's Bridal and helping her plan a wedding. She asked me to be the maid of honor and I couldn't be more, for lack of a better word, honored. There are so many words jumbled in my head that I can't iron out to say right. Luckily I have a year and a few months to perfect my toast to these two. They really are so blessed to have each other, and I feel so blessed to have them as friends. 

This is going to be a crazy year. I can't wait to see what God has in store for me.

I just got home this evening and I finally got to see my niece and nephew for the first time in two months. It was so heartwarming to hear the giggle of a 2 month-old and the rants of a 2 year-old. I always feel so much love when I'm surrounded by my family. It feels like it's floating in the air, like a seed off a dandelion. 

The Joy of Living

I have this new found joy of living. It's so great to be able to dance, and sing, and just let loose and be free of all the worries and stress of life. It's so easy to let everything bog me down but I've got to keep that joy and inspiration to push me through it all. There are bigger things than my stupid PCHEM test or nutrition project. 

I went to the Pillow Project this afternoon and I had an absolutely amazing time. It was great to be around a bunch of super cool people and just let loose. We had a massive pillow fight, how cool is that? A group of college students decided to have a pillow fight to raise money for the Boys and Girls Club and try to beat the world record. I honestly don't think it could get any more bad ass than that.

DJ Mary Jayne was spinning and I was dancing with a little group of people when I realized how amazing this life we live is. It didn't matter what everyone else thought of us acting like fools. It didn't matter that we were the only 6 people dancing out of the 100 people there. We were having a good time. That's when I finally realized I'm back to my old self. I feel so alive now. 

I don't know if it was the amazing weather, or the amazing music, or the amazing people. But today brought life back into my soul.

It was amazing. 

God, this feels so good

A Little Bit Stronger

Songs I've been obsessed with recently:

A Little Bit Stronger- Sara Evans

Single Girls- Laura Jansen

Sing- My Chemical Romance (Glee version of course)

If I Die Young- The Band Perry

Are You Gonna Kiss Me- Thompson Square

"Even on my weakest days, I get a little bit stronger"
I'm slowly healing, I'm slowly forgetting, I'm slowly smiling
I know it takes time
but I'm okay with that, as long as it's happening.

I think I might look into starting a cupcake baking business out of my apartment this summer. I don't know what I'd have to do or if it'd even be profitable but I'd like to try. I'll have time in the summer so it'll be the perfect opportunity to pursue my dream. I like the new me that this experience has made me; It has made me into a fighter. I'm not going to let my dreams pass me by, I'm going to go out and reach for them. I'm so excited for that.

This is who I really am

I am strong

I am confident

I am powerful

I am beautiful

I am kind

I am worthy

I am free

I am smart

I am original

I am loved

I am inspired

I am passionate

I am.

I will fight

I will sing

I will laugh

I will dance

I will stand

I will dream

I will succeed

I will love

I will inspire

I will serve

I will believe

I will create

I will.

The Forces of the World

Here's to my first post in the blogger community.

I am up at 3:22 am because my mind is moving at a million miles an hour; tomorrow (or rather, later today) my three year relationship with my boyfriend may come to an end. This breaks my heart to no end.
I can't wait to dive into the real world, head first and confidence at hand. Yes it may be another year and a half away but I'm so ready for that, and I know the journey begins now. Some believe that in order to grow up you can no longer dream, or pretend, or imagine. But I think it's the exact opposite. It opens up more opportunities to achieve our dreams and to reach for more than we could ever imagine for. But we're all content settling with what we get. My first few jobs, as a chemist, will only be so I can one day own a bakery. I realize that I can't just jump into that right after college unless I want to live out of a cardboard box but I can still hold onto that dream. 

cupcakes from an amazing woman, find her on flickr: hello naomi

But before I move onto the train of life, I have to survive this little thing called college. Above all else, college has changed me into a completely different human being than I was back in my comfortable life in Lubbock, TX. I was the first child of my family to leave that podunk town and it sure has been heartbreaking. My whole life lives in that town and it's the hardest being 7 long hours away. Three years later and I still get homesick for my mother's amazing meals and the comfort of watching tv on the couch. But that life was easy, you can't make progress if you just stay with what's comfortable. 

Life has seemed to be raining on my parade recently but

the best thing you can do when it's raining is to

let it rain.